Did You Know?

Did You Know?
A rooster is a male chicken and does not produce eggs. Only the female chicken can produce eggs. The eggs we eat are unfertilized, the female chicken having had no contact with the male.

PART III

Don't Tint Your Back Windows Because The Person Behind You Won't Know You're Waving At Them After They Let You Infront Of Them

Let me break down the scenario: it's happened to all of us. You're driving and you realize you need to get over, but the lane to your left is filled with traffic. Stopped up. You glance over and try and make eye contact with the person in the car next to you. No go. They're staring straight ahead, cold as ice. You look again, this time intently, and point your chin at them in an upward motion, eyes all expectant. Finally they look. Silent signals are exchanged, he lets you over. You give the complimentary wave backward and "thank you" eyes in your rear view to show your gratitude. But wait--he never saw it. Why? Tinted windows.

What's going on here? The bigger picture, folks. In writing, this is what we call a metaphor. The mundane becomes sublime through analogy. The car scenario represents what happens when we close ourselves off to other people. We strut through our days putting on a front, trying to appear more important than we are. Usually it doesn't matter, and it gets us what we what. No harm done, you're calling the plays. Until, that is, someone drops us a little favor. Then, in our haste to be Mr. Tough, we forget to be human. Forget gratitude, forget appreciation, forget love. Lesson: if your windows are tinted, no one's gonna see what's inside.

The writing business is hard. You think you need to put on a front, and you're right. Publishers don't want pussies. But when someone cuts you a break, you can't straight up diss them. That's a good way to burn all your bridges. Instead, soften up a little, bend your proud self over, and kiss a little brown. You might end up getting more than you bargained for.

--end of third lecture--

PART II

Part II Start with what you know.

Start with what you know. How many of you have heard that old addage? It gets repeated over, and over, and over again. Why? Because it works. But what does it mean? It means, write about YOU. Your actions, your thoughts, your feelings, and concerns. Put em on paper and people will love it. Why? Because they're human too. And chances are your life is similar to theirs. That's when you've hit the jack pot, won the lottery. When it just so happens that, by chance, your life coincides with a million other people who are living just like you. And when you capture that life, and write about it elegantly and poetically, like all good writers can and should, that's when you've got something special. You become a spokesman for a generation.

What names come to mind when you hear that phrase? Bob Dylan? Franz Kafka? Miguel de Cervantes? Kafka spoke to millions in their new unease. Dylan defined a century. Cervantes ripped open the traditional literary style and made it his own. And what each one of these brilliant men had in common, and have in common because their memory will live on in literary history, through word of mouth tales and campfire songs, is one thing: HONESTY. Cervantes rode a horse. Kafka was a fucking freak. Dylan was a goddamn asshole. These were there gifts; writing came secondary. If you can understand that you are ready for the next part.

Is This How You Write A Book? in twelve parts

Part I
Thank you ladies and gentlemen for attending. Your lovely faces continue to be an inspiration to me, my grandparents, and share-holders. Now for the question of this evening: Is this how you write a book? Is this how you write a book? I ask. Well, is it? For instance, take a man who wants to write. He is an author by trade, an enthusiast by heart, and he has a dream to create a piece of reality. A slice of life. It's what Virginia Woolf wanted, it's what Robert Sullivan wanted. It's want we all want. A living, moving, breathing organism. That's what a book becomes when you get it right. Don't get me wrong, only a few people have been able to do it. But you could be next. Let's get started.

(next....Part II Write what you know)

Joke 3

A man is doing yardwork when he falls off his ladder and breaks both legs. His wife hears the crash and comes running. She finds her husband lying paralyzed on the lawn. He motions for her to come near him. "I want you to feel my pain," he says. He places her hands on his broken legs. Then, in a flash, he draws a switchblade from his pocket and slices her arm. "Now do you feel it?!" he yells. The wife begins sobbing. The husband says: "You always said you wanted a tendon bracelet!"

Are You Serious?

Are you serious? You little bugger, I want to know the truth. Your words say yes but your face says "no no no!" You're joking. You have to be! Who could be believe that?!
Really, are you serious? Come on! Tell me! You meanie! I can't tell if you are lying or not. Stop joking, really. You must be joking. You're joking.
Are you?! Is that for real? I can't believe it! That's crazy! No way. No WAY. You've got to be kidding.
Are you serious?

Two Jokes

Here are some good jokes I just heard from my uncle. Check em out!

1. There was a man who lied in bed and his thoughts were racing, and he could not get to sleep. He did not know what to do. He thought to himself, "My mind is like a camp fire: when my thoughts are restless it is like the fire is raging. When my thoughts are calm, it is like the fire is dying down. When I am asleep, the fire is out. If I could only figure out a way to put the fire out maybe I could trick myself into falling asleep." So he decided he would imagine a fire in his mind, and then imagine putting a big cover over the fire to suffocate it. Sure enough, when he did this his thoughts began to die down, just like a fire slowly going out. Then he would lose concentration and his thoughts would flare back up like a fire flaring back up. Again, he would use the cover and his thoughts would calm. However, each time he did this, he unconsciously held his breath. After several attempts, he finally succeeded suffocating the fire, but unfortunately he also suffocated himself.

2. There is a story of a famous writer who travels through a farming village and meets a farmer. The farmer, whose body and mind are aged and worn beyond their years, approaches the writer and asks him, "What is your talent? I plant fruits and vegetables in the earth and feed my family with them. I cut lumber to build my house, raise cattle for their milk to feed my babies, and sell grains to my neighbors. But you, you sit all day inside a comfortable home which you did not build, eat food you did not grow, and create novels that no one needs. What do you have to say?" The writer looks at the old farmer for a moment, and then reaches into a bag and pulls out two books. He opens them both and lays them before the farmer. "Read from both of these and tell me which is better to your liking, " says the writer. So the farmer begins reading, first from one book and then from the other. Afterwards he points to one and says, "That one is better." The writer smiles slowly and says to the farmer, "That one was written by a farmer."