My Neck

Dear Eugene,
My neck has been swelling really huge lately. It takes me a long time just to get my shirt on. Plus it hurts. Hurts to swim, hurts to run. Even hurts to talk. What do I do, Eugene? I've never had this before. Do you know what I'm talking about? Like there's pus all inside it. I can't even swallow my scrambled eggs some morning. Scrambled eggs! Those are all mashed up, it should be easy! I gotta tell you, this is getting old. What should I do?
Signed,
Neck Hurts

Used Submarines

Hey!
Looking to buy a new or used Submarine? Well, we've got 'em.

How about a used diesel electric submarine for $450,000?
No problem.
Johansson's Submersibles knows deep submersibles are not very popular outside the scientific research community:
1. They have high operating costs.
2. You can't use one without a fucking large-ass support ship

And I'm not going to lie, many of our submarines suck. But it's probably the best you'll get.

-Johansson's Submersibles

April Fools That I Hated

Here are some of the worst April Fools that have been committed on me in the past:

Little sister told me ducks were in my bed.

Father made ducks crawl into my car.

Sound of ducks in the back of my ears for last three years.