Don't Tint Your Back Windows Because The Person Behind You Won't Know You're Waving At Them After They Let You Infront Of Them
Let me break down the scenario: it's happened to all of us. You're driving and you realize you need to get over, but the lane to your left is filled with traffic. Stopped up. You glance over and try and make eye contact with the person in the car next to you. No go. They're staring straight ahead, cold as ice. You look again, this time intently, and point your chin at them in an upward motion, eyes all expectant. Finally they look. Silent signals are exchanged, he lets you over. You give the complimentary wave backward and "thank you" eyes in your rear view to show your gratitude. But wait--he never saw it. Why? Tinted windows.
What's going on here? The bigger picture, folks. In writing, this is what we call a metaphor. The mundane becomes sublime through analogy. The car scenario represents what happens when we close ourselves off to other people. We strut through our days putting on a front, trying to appear more important than we are. Usually it doesn't matter, and it gets us what we what. No harm done, you're calling the plays. Until, that is, someone drops us a little favor. Then, in our haste to be Mr. Tough, we forget to be human. Forget gratitude, forget appreciation, forget love. Lesson: if your windows are tinted, no one's gonna see what's inside.
The writing business is hard. You think you need to put on a front, and you're right. Publishers don't want pussies. But when someone cuts you a break, you can't straight up diss them. That's a good way to burn all your bridges. Instead, soften up a little, bend your proud self over, and kiss a little brown. You might end up getting more than you bargained for.
--end of third lecture--
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
PART II
Part II Start with what you know.
Start with what you know. How many of you have heard that old addage? It gets repeated over, and over, and over again. Why? Because it works. But what does it mean? It means, write about YOU. Your actions, your thoughts, your feelings, and concerns. Put em on paper and people will love it. Why? Because they're human too. And chances are your life is similar to theirs. That's when you've hit the jack pot, won the lottery. When it just so happens that, by chance, your life coincides with a million other people who are living just like you. And when you capture that life, and write about it elegantly and poetically, like all good writers can and should, that's when you've got something special. You become a spokesman for a generation.
What names come to mind when you hear that phrase? Bob Dylan? Franz Kafka? Miguel de Cervantes? Kafka spoke to millions in their new unease. Dylan defined a century. Cervantes ripped open the traditional literary style and made it his own. And what each one of these brilliant men had in common, and have in common because their memory will live on in literary history, through word of mouth tales and campfire songs, is one thing: HONESTY. Cervantes rode a horse. Kafka was a fucking freak. Dylan was a goddamn asshole. These were there gifts; writing came secondary. If you can understand that you are ready for the next part.
Start with what you know. How many of you have heard that old addage? It gets repeated over, and over, and over again. Why? Because it works. But what does it mean? It means, write about YOU. Your actions, your thoughts, your feelings, and concerns. Put em on paper and people will love it. Why? Because they're human too. And chances are your life is similar to theirs. That's when you've hit the jack pot, won the lottery. When it just so happens that, by chance, your life coincides with a million other people who are living just like you. And when you capture that life, and write about it elegantly and poetically, like all good writers can and should, that's when you've got something special. You become a spokesman for a generation.
What names come to mind when you hear that phrase? Bob Dylan? Franz Kafka? Miguel de Cervantes? Kafka spoke to millions in their new unease. Dylan defined a century. Cervantes ripped open the traditional literary style and made it his own. And what each one of these brilliant men had in common, and have in common because their memory will live on in literary history, through word of mouth tales and campfire songs, is one thing: HONESTY. Cervantes rode a horse. Kafka was a fucking freak. Dylan was a goddamn asshole. These were there gifts; writing came secondary. If you can understand that you are ready for the next part.
Is This How You Write A Book? in twelve parts
Part I
Thank you ladies and gentlemen for attending. Your lovely faces continue to be an inspiration to me, my grandparents, and share-holders. Now for the question of this evening: Is this how you write a book? Is this how you write a book? I ask. Well, is it? For instance, take a man who wants to write. He is an author by trade, an enthusiast by heart, and he has a dream to create a piece of reality. A slice of life. It's what Virginia Woolf wanted, it's what Robert Sullivan wanted. It's want we all want. A living, moving, breathing organism. That's what a book becomes when you get it right. Don't get me wrong, only a few people have been able to do it. But you could be next. Let's get started.
(next....Part II Write what you know)
Thank you ladies and gentlemen for attending. Your lovely faces continue to be an inspiration to me, my grandparents, and share-holders. Now for the question of this evening: Is this how you write a book? Is this how you write a book? I ask. Well, is it? For instance, take a man who wants to write. He is an author by trade, an enthusiast by heart, and he has a dream to create a piece of reality. A slice of life. It's what Virginia Woolf wanted, it's what Robert Sullivan wanted. It's want we all want. A living, moving, breathing organism. That's what a book becomes when you get it right. Don't get me wrong, only a few people have been able to do it. But you could be next. Let's get started.
(next....Part II Write what you know)
Sunday, June 1, 2008
Joke 3
A man is doing yardwork when he falls off his ladder and breaks both legs. His wife hears the crash and comes running. She finds her husband lying paralyzed on the lawn. He motions for her to come near him. "I want you to feel my pain," he says. He places her hands on his broken legs. Then, in a flash, he draws a switchblade from his pocket and slices her arm. "Now do you feel it?!" he yells. The wife begins sobbing. The husband says: "You always said you wanted a tendon bracelet!"
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Are You Serious?
Are you serious? You little bugger, I want to know the truth. Your words say yes but your face says "no no no!" You're joking. You have to be! Who could be believe that?!
Really, are you serious? Come on! Tell me! You meanie! I can't tell if you are lying or not. Stop joking, really. You must be joking. You're joking.
Are you?! Is that for real? I can't believe it! That's crazy! No way. No WAY. You've got to be kidding.
Are you serious?
Really, are you serious? Come on! Tell me! You meanie! I can't tell if you are lying or not. Stop joking, really. You must be joking. You're joking.
Are you?! Is that for real? I can't believe it! That's crazy! No way. No WAY. You've got to be kidding.
Are you serious?
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Two Jokes
Here are some good jokes I just heard from my uncle. Check em out!
1. There was a man who lied in bed and his thoughts were racing, and he could not get to sleep. He did not know what to do. He thought to himself, "My mind is like a camp fire: when my thoughts are restless it is like the fire is raging. When my thoughts are calm, it is like the fire is dying down. When I am asleep, the fire is out. If I could only figure out a way to put the fire out maybe I could trick myself into falling asleep." So he decided he would imagine a fire in his mind, and then imagine putting a big cover over the fire to suffocate it. Sure enough, when he did this his thoughts began to die down, just like a fire slowly going out. Then he would lose concentration and his thoughts would flare back up like a fire flaring back up. Again, he would use the cover and his thoughts would calm. However, each time he did this, he unconsciously held his breath. After several attempts, he finally succeeded suffocating the fire, but unfortunately he also suffocated himself.
2. There is a story of a famous writer who travels through a farming village and meets a farmer. The farmer, whose body and mind are aged and worn beyond their years, approaches the writer and asks him, "What is your talent? I plant fruits and vegetables in the earth and feed my family with them. I cut lumber to build my house, raise cattle for their milk to feed my babies, and sell grains to my neighbors. But you, you sit all day inside a comfortable home which you did not build, eat food you did not grow, and create novels that no one needs. What do you have to say?" The writer looks at the old farmer for a moment, and then reaches into a bag and pulls out two books. He opens them both and lays them before the farmer. "Read from both of these and tell me which is better to your liking, " says the writer. So the farmer begins reading, first from one book and then from the other. Afterwards he points to one and says, "That one is better." The writer smiles slowly and says to the farmer, "That one was written by a farmer."
1. There was a man who lied in bed and his thoughts were racing, and he could not get to sleep. He did not know what to do. He thought to himself, "My mind is like a camp fire: when my thoughts are restless it is like the fire is raging. When my thoughts are calm, it is like the fire is dying down. When I am asleep, the fire is out. If I could only figure out a way to put the fire out maybe I could trick myself into falling asleep." So he decided he would imagine a fire in his mind, and then imagine putting a big cover over the fire to suffocate it. Sure enough, when he did this his thoughts began to die down, just like a fire slowly going out. Then he would lose concentration and his thoughts would flare back up like a fire flaring back up. Again, he would use the cover and his thoughts would calm. However, each time he did this, he unconsciously held his breath. After several attempts, he finally succeeded suffocating the fire, but unfortunately he also suffocated himself.
2. There is a story of a famous writer who travels through a farming village and meets a farmer. The farmer, whose body and mind are aged and worn beyond their years, approaches the writer and asks him, "What is your talent? I plant fruits and vegetables in the earth and feed my family with them. I cut lumber to build my house, raise cattle for their milk to feed my babies, and sell grains to my neighbors. But you, you sit all day inside a comfortable home which you did not build, eat food you did not grow, and create novels that no one needs. What do you have to say?" The writer looks at the old farmer for a moment, and then reaches into a bag and pulls out two books. He opens them both and lays them before the farmer. "Read from both of these and tell me which is better to your liking, " says the writer. So the farmer begins reading, first from one book and then from the other. Afterwards he points to one and says, "That one is better." The writer smiles slowly and says to the farmer, "That one was written by a farmer."
Friday, March 7, 2008
It's my birthday!
Well, it's finally my birthday. I never thought it would come. But now that its here, people are acting weird. For some reason they aren't saying anything about it. I guess they are waiting for the party tonight. On the bus on my way to work they were being very secretive about everything. When I asked John, who was sitting across from me, he gave me a blank stare and pretended not to know anything! He's really good! All I am worried about is how I will know where it is. I doubt its at my house, no one has any keys. It might be at the office, but that might be too early for a party. I bet it's afterwards, at one of the guys' houses. I just wish they would tell me! I am getting so anxious. I guess that's the point. They'll probably lead me to the place where the party and then---SURPRISE!
I love surprise parties. I always wanted one. My whole life I've always wished someone would give me one. I can't believe its finally happening!
I love surprise parties. I always wanted one. My whole life I've always wished someone would give me one. I can't believe its finally happening!
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Crazy A's Instructional Series
Tired of working on Bibliographies all day long? APA format making your head spin? Well, sit back and enjoy Crazy A's playful jab at Academia in "Crazy's A's Instructional Series"
PART I
How to cite Sour cream:
Geniusly. Throw away trash.
First--document! Who are those authors?
Second--remember DAD = Diction, Allusion, Dialect
Third-air guitar
Four-be gentle, IT AINT SUSHI!
Dip finger in sour cream, spread over lips. Insert taco into hand. Make an "o" with your lips. Slide taco in. Swallow.
PART I
How to cite Sour cream:
Geniusly. Throw away trash.
First--document! Who are those authors?
Second--remember DAD = Diction, Allusion, Dialect
Third-air guitar
Four-be gentle, IT AINT SUSHI!
Dip finger in sour cream, spread over lips. Insert taco into hand. Make an "o" with your lips. Slide taco in. Swallow.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Pitch Notes
Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you for taking the time to view my presentation here today. (Bow.)
I have an idea here (whip sheet off of easel) that could make us all very wealthy! (Make money-grubbing motion with fingers.)
I have the hot new program that will appeal to adults, teens, and child-to-tween viewers. Crossover appeal is the next big untapped market in the television reservoir and we can harness it, also we could put episodes for download on iTunes.
What does "the Office" have in common for viewers? Everyone has a job, except kids, so everyone who isn't a kid can relate to it. What does "Sesame Street" have in common for kids? Kids learn all day at school, so they are used to learning when they get home, they even have to do homework. It couldn't be more clear! Learning is a job for children! Teens learn and have jobs so they will be especially hit hard by our show which combines the two! (Whip sheet off of easel.)
"FUN MUSEUM" is an hour of dramatic and comedic television that combines a workplace scenario at an institution of learning! And I even really worked at a museum so I CAN WRITE IT FOR YOU.
The main characters are:
AMANDA - an adorable but scatterbrained teen waitress who works in the Museum coffee shop but dreams of being a major star!
TED - The dinosaur bone expert is a nerdy but funny teen who is good at his job but can't get AMANDA to notice him.
MR. PEABODY - The museum director who seems to care only about money and his catch-phrase ("I want to see 10 times the foot traffic!") but really has a nice heart and would help TED however he can. TED maybe is poor, too.
RAUOUL - An immigrant who cares only about money, and idolizes Mr. Peabody.
DR. STEVENS - the red-haired female head of the paleontology department who will become very important by season two!
TAMARA - An elementary school tween who comes to the museum every day and is always in the way.
The core of the show is a very simple tension between Ted Sherman and Amanda Robbins. But meanwhile there is also raucous comedy, like the time that really happened to me where someone brought a dog into the museum! I said "OK" but then my boss (The real-life Mr. Peabody? I'll never say!) told me it might bite someone and drive down foot traffic. So I had to go find it! This could be a running gag. Or what if there's one where they think the museum might close and there has to be a fund-raising concert! Ted could play a song to Amanda!
Thank you for your time, I'll leave these photocopies. (Pass out photocopies.) My e-mail is on the back.
TOTAL TIME: 13 minutes.
I have an idea here (whip sheet off of easel) that could make us all very wealthy! (Make money-grubbing motion with fingers.)
I have the hot new program that will appeal to adults, teens, and child-to-tween viewers. Crossover appeal is the next big untapped market in the television reservoir and we can harness it, also we could put episodes for download on iTunes.
What does "the Office" have in common for viewers? Everyone has a job, except kids, so everyone who isn't a kid can relate to it. What does "Sesame Street" have in common for kids? Kids learn all day at school, so they are used to learning when they get home, they even have to do homework. It couldn't be more clear! Learning is a job for children! Teens learn and have jobs so they will be especially hit hard by our show which combines the two! (Whip sheet off of easel.)
"FUN MUSEUM" is an hour of dramatic and comedic television that combines a workplace scenario at an institution of learning! And I even really worked at a museum so I CAN WRITE IT FOR YOU.
The main characters are:
AMANDA - an adorable but scatterbrained teen waitress who works in the Museum coffee shop but dreams of being a major star!
TED - The dinosaur bone expert is a nerdy but funny teen who is good at his job but can't get AMANDA to notice him.
MR. PEABODY - The museum director who seems to care only about money and his catch-phrase ("I want to see 10 times the foot traffic!") but really has a nice heart and would help TED however he can. TED maybe is poor, too.
RAUOUL - An immigrant who cares only about money, and idolizes Mr. Peabody.
DR. STEVENS - the red-haired female head of the paleontology department who will become very important by season two!
TAMARA - An elementary school tween who comes to the museum every day and is always in the way.
The core of the show is a very simple tension between Ted Sherman and Amanda Robbins. But meanwhile there is also raucous comedy, like the time that really happened to me where someone brought a dog into the museum! I said "OK" but then my boss (The real-life Mr. Peabody? I'll never say!) told me it might bite someone and drive down foot traffic. So I had to go find it! This could be a running gag. Or what if there's one where they think the museum might close and there has to be a fund-raising concert! Ted could play a song to Amanda!
Thank you for your time, I'll leave these photocopies. (Pass out photocopies.) My e-mail is on the back.
TOTAL TIME: 13 minutes.
Important
PLEAASE FORWARD THIS to as MANY poeeple as possible! If you do not forward this in the nest 48 hrs. Your eyes will be chopped off by a real killer!
A thousand years ago in new york city when it was still an indian village there lived a little girl named MeKong (Crazy Tree). she was killed by white men who had poisend the river and hurt all the fish. She lived on as a spirirt and she calls people to let them know if they will die in the next 24 hours!!!! Mekong will call you if you do not forward everyone on your facebook and in your myspace comments! She will tell you you will die and then she will come out of your mirror and scratch your eyes out aand kill you and your family memebers.
PLEASE FORWARD!!!
A thousand years ago in new york city when it was still an indian village there lived a little girl named MeKong (Crazy Tree). she was killed by white men who had poisend the river and hurt all the fish. She lived on as a spirirt and she calls people to let them know if they will die in the next 24 hours!!!! Mekong will call you if you do not forward everyone on your facebook and in your myspace comments! She will tell you you will die and then she will come out of your mirror and scratch your eyes out aand kill you and your family memebers.
PLEASE FORWARD!!!
Friday, January 11, 2008
A Barrel of Trouble!
So I've been quadriplegic for seven years now this November, and I've had my little helper monkey friend, Truckles, for the majority of that time. He is a whiz at the microwave and is so gentle brushing my teeth, especially after I developed gingivitis. He is truly "a great mind in a furry friend". But... and I'm sure you guessed there would be a "but!"
It is nearly impossible to keep him from seeing "Monkey Shines"!
The movie was released a couple decades ago, apparently, but I only became aware of it in 2005 when my dad left a copy propped up as a practical joke on a high shelf in his guest house where I live. I watch a lot of movies as you might imagine but I don't watch much horror because I have enough trouble sleeping as it is LOL! When Truckles brought it down to me and I read the back I grew terrified! The movie is about a helper monkey who becomes a killer! She uses her power over her companion to kill those he loves and manipulate him.
Now, Truckles has always been completely tender and loving. He even tries to make me little greeting cards out of my manila envelopes and leaves them on my chest. But I can also tell that he is highly influenced by things we watch on TV. (Don't ask me how I can tell - "A mother just knows!") "No problem", I thought, "I'll just have Truckles throw it out." Which I think he did. (I didn't even like the case to be lying around. I know Truckles can't read but some of the pictures on the box were just chilling!) But then it started showing up on Pay-Per-View. Now, because of my medication I end up sleeping a good portion of the day and Truckles is allowed to use the TV (quietly!) when I am asleep. In the last couple years I've also allowed him to order himself Pay-per-View movies if they are non-premium (i.e. $4.99 and under.) I think he deserves it. "After all," I joke with him, "you do most of the heavy lifting around here!"
Now, it is possible to block a movie, but of course I can only manipulate the remote and enter a password with Truckles's help. Thanks to that g-ddamn movie, I'm already living in the movie! I had the cable removed but now Truckles has grown restless and makes too much noise when I sleep. I guess I don't know what to do. Comments appreciated!
It is nearly impossible to keep him from seeing "Monkey Shines"!
The movie was released a couple decades ago, apparently, but I only became aware of it in 2005 when my dad left a copy propped up as a practical joke on a high shelf in his guest house where I live. I watch a lot of movies as you might imagine but I don't watch much horror because I have enough trouble sleeping as it is LOL! When Truckles brought it down to me and I read the back I grew terrified! The movie is about a helper monkey who becomes a killer! She uses her power over her companion to kill those he loves and manipulate him.
Now, Truckles has always been completely tender and loving. He even tries to make me little greeting cards out of my manila envelopes and leaves them on my chest. But I can also tell that he is highly influenced by things we watch on TV. (Don't ask me how I can tell - "A mother just knows!") "No problem", I thought, "I'll just have Truckles throw it out." Which I think he did. (I didn't even like the case to be lying around. I know Truckles can't read but some of the pictures on the box were just chilling!) But then it started showing up on Pay-Per-View. Now, because of my medication I end up sleeping a good portion of the day and Truckles is allowed to use the TV (quietly!) when I am asleep. In the last couple years I've also allowed him to order himself Pay-per-View movies if they are non-premium (i.e. $4.99 and under.) I think he deserves it. "After all," I joke with him, "you do most of the heavy lifting around here!"
Now, it is possible to block a movie, but of course I can only manipulate the remote and enter a password with Truckles's help. Thanks to that g-ddamn movie, I'm already living in the movie! I had the cable removed but now Truckles has grown restless and makes too much noise when I sleep. I guess I don't know what to do. Comments appreciated!
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
All The Soaps
1. Soap dish
2. Soap box
3. Soap opera
4. Hand soap
5. Body soap
6. Soap suds
7. Dish soap
9. Bar of soap
10. Soap brush
11. Soap rag
12. Face soap
13. "All soappy"
14. Soap on a rope
15. Pope's soap
16. Peppermint soap
17. Cinnamon soap
2. Soap box
3. Soap opera
4. Hand soap
5. Body soap
6. Soap suds
7. Dish soap
9. Bar of soap
10. Soap brush
11. Soap rag
12. Face soap
13. "All soappy"
14. Soap on a rope
15. Pope's soap
16. Peppermint soap
17. Cinnamon soap
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