I looked out the window, a man was standing right there looking in!

Immediately did he jump inside crashing glass every which way but one; out the way he came. I jumped a leap or two over his flying body and landed back out in the grass, he looked back out the window I just had. He yelled and mooed and as I leapt back into the house I must admit it was loud. I landed feet down on an old sofa that seemed to belong to me before my house got broken into this time. The springs creaked out a groan and I ran for the stairs with this maniac right up my feet. I hopped my way through a window without breaking it, but the hooting bull man behind me observed no such niceties as the glass actually shattered backwards towards him in anticipation. I didn't have to be told twice to be scared and slode down that drainpipe faster than Jiminy Xmas. A quick trip back up the pipe from the inside was a dangerous assumption (what if HE came down?) but my storied and stored up luck was once again in evidence. I couldn't find my assailant but I could hear him breathe snorts of disbelief and acceptance and I spun around to what was heard. He had vanished I'll bet, but tonight I think I'll keep the blinds drawn.

Cold Shoulder's Ice Cream Roundup

When I got out of the womb I was burning hot and screaming as hard as I knew was possible. I was red and hungry for something cold. Every since then I've been trying to eat ice cream but it always lets me down. Let's take a look at some flavors:

Rocky Road: This travesty promises chalky chocolate and gets in your way with its marshmallows and nuts. It even smells gross! Like walnuts! No thanks, I'll stick with something else that isn't exactly like --

Mint Chocolate Chip: Every time I think about how I ate this once I can't help but think about the idea of all those chips coating the inside of my esophagus like mushy brown kitchen tiles. It makes me want to suffocate to think about that on my throat! It's as bad as --

Peach Almond: Made from the grossest fruit except for nectarines this flavor is bar none the worst I've had this week. Flakes of almond feel like fingernails or toenails at worst. Keep trying Dreyer's! OOPS! I mean Breyer's.

There was a noise inside my home

and it was keeping my awake at night, and during the day when I wanted to nap. I thought it might be coming from my guitar so I put it in its case after I cut the strings off. One of the biggest strings has metal on it and it almost whipped into my eye, so you can understand that I was pretty mad when I found the noise had not diminished at all. In my anger I reopened the case and smashed the guitar to pieces holding it by the neck. This didn't help the noise, but you can appreciate my minor relief when I saw that some of the wood still formed the hole. The sound hole that the strings go across. Of course, I thought, if the sound hole is still intact, sound can easily still come from the guitar! It was easy work to break up the hole, and even sort of fun which kept me from getting too discouraged at the end when I found the sound (a sort of high whine) had not diminished. At this point it was not much more work to bury the guitar (pieces) out back even though I had only slight hopes this would help anything. After refilling the hole and putting rocks over it I was unsurprised that the whine continued inside the house. I was at a loss of what to do now as my house contained nothing else except the rock I had taken inside to finally smash apart the sound hole. I put the rock back outside but of course this was not the variable I was looking for. I paced and tried to think of what else might be the cause. Was there another guitar under the floorboards? Possibly one left by a previous resident? If that was so, shouldn't it have been buzzing ever since I moved in? I remembered that I had used scissors to cut the guitar strings but then I remembered that I had also buried them outside with the guitar, they weren't in the house. The house has no doorbell. Or even room next to the front door for one to be installed, so it couldn't be faulty wiring or something. But the noise is sort of getting quieter so I guess I must be doing something right.